There’s a new TV show
out this fall. The title is “Trophy
Wife.” What? It may seem odd to comment
on something one has never seen; but when it comes to trophies and when it
comes to wives, I've had more than one of each!
So, this new show’s name caught my ears, eyes and heart… and sort of
hits home to many men in our culture. Please…
don’t shoot the messenger; this wasn't my idea!
The story line is
this…
“The reformed party girl Kate is hoping that’s true when she becomes Pete’s third wife. She fell into his arms (literally) at a karaoke bar and a year later, Kate’s got an insta-family complete with three stepchildren and two ex-wives.”
Wow, who would not want to watch a show like that? It takes a village, they say. Too close to home? Perhaps.
There is some statistical data (not
to be read as prophecy) that up to 60 % of the ‘boomers’ will have been
married three times in their lifetime… once for sex, once for kids and once for
companionship. That club is
growing. I shared that scenario with my mother
a number of years ago and her response was quick… “Well, that’s just dumb. If your
father and I had all three of those things, others can, too.” Thanks, mom. Dummies, beware. So, I’m a little biased here for lots of
reasons.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Trophies are good. A wife
is, too. A trophy often reflects victory
and hard work. Champion stuff. The Bible says, “A good wife is gift from God” (Proverbs 19:14). It doesn’t say that about husbands. Good wife?
Mine has made me a better man, using Jack’s line to Helen in “As Good As
It Gets.” But, maybe the rub here isn’t how we get them, rather my reason for
holding this up is about the language we use to describe a woman is being called
into question here. Your wife? A trophy?
It’s more than that.
Whether we want to own up to it or not, men in the 21st
century still live with rules written and unwritten, spoken and assumed about
how women are treated, respected and referred to. I could write that sentence this way, too--- how
women are mis-treated, dis-respected and referenced. “Trophy wife” is just the tip of iceberg. What about “great catch” or “arm candy” or
“hottie” or “real-time Barbie” or “he married up”! Lately, males have digressed. Men, now, want to “tap that” or “get me some”
and then create annals of ‘conquests’ to share at the bar, the golf course or
the poker table. But, guys, listen…
don’t think that you hold all the power when it comes to conquests. Some of the equality victories in the last 40
years include some women holding similar perspectives. But, men have to take the lead here.
Walk with me 3000 years back in time. “It’s good to be the king!” David was the King of Judea. What more could a guy want picked over his
older brothers and what not? He looked
out his courtyard window and what did he see?
A young woman, the wife of Uriah the Hittite named Bathsheba, was
getting cleaned up and David saw more than he should have. Poor Bathsheba, King David thought. Here I am and here you are and here your
husband is off to battle. Let me help
you be a woman. So, David has her come
to his bedroom. How does a young woman,
married or not, refuse the King? So, she
goes. Power turned inside out! David has his way. And oh by the way… he would have been
arrested for this in 2013… and because God created us to have the ability to
have children, Bathsheba’s encounter with her King also created a season of
being ‘with child.’ Dumb King David. He
should have listened to my mother.
So, like most guys think… David tried to make 2 wrongs
into 1 right. I have a plan, he
thought. Guys often get in trouble when
they plan alone. Poor Uriah. He’s out fighting and needs a break. David calls him back to Jerusalem. Feeds him.
Gives him drink. Lots of drink. Then
Uriah is sent home with a wink and a nod and given the opportunity to ‘catch
up” with his wife. But, Uriah is the
stand-up guy King David was not and instead of going into his own home to be
with his wife, he thinks of his band of brothers in battle who can’t be with
their wives and in solidarity with their abstinence, he lays down at his doorstep
and sleeps. Plan failed. King David finds out.
Plan C now goes into effect. Uriah is sent back this time to the front of
the battle and killed. All hail, King
David! And it’s not until Nathan the
prophet calls the King out does he realize the consequences over his lack of
values. Lust, adultery, murder and pride
are a nasty recipe for shame and disappointment. If women are viewed as property, then men
will always treat them that way. Their
sons and grandsons will follow suit.
Women deserve better.
But guys, it’s not just about the women. It’s also about us. What does it mean when one guy tells another
guy, “hey, man, you married up!” Is this
a certain kind of ego slam by suggesting the guy in question isn’t good enough
to be married to this particular woman?
Or what about the friend who says to his old home-town school pal, “Wow,
who would have ever thought you’d bring home the prom queen?” So, all these years this guy’s friends
thought he wouldn’t amount to much and their predictions of this guy’s
mediocrity vanish when he out duels the brothers in choice of spouses. Guys deserve better, too.
The fact is, trophies tarnish and rust. I have some.
They break. They get lost and put
in boxes. Wives should never be treated
like that. Women are created imago dei
and
are not property. How, do you think we
got the line in the wedding service, “who gives this woman to be married to
this man?” Well, duh? The guy who owns the property gives it away
and then there’s always the ‘dowry!’ Pastors
shouldn’t ask that question. But, yet, wives reflect their families. Sometimes they lie, cheat and steal. Sometimes they end up being the very opposite
of what the guy wanted. Vice versa for
all the above, just for the record… and in the end no one is innocent here; but
I’m writing to the men in our church here, ok?
So, just at Jesus told Peter to ‘self-define’ (John CH 21), men, their
sons and grandsons will need to tend to a certain self-assessment or personal
inventory to keep this all in check.
Again, I haven’t seen the show and I actually suggested
in last Sunday’s message, “Guys, there’s
a new show out this Fall I won’t be seeing…” and as long as men of faith
allow others in the culture to create and maintain our vocabulary and values,
then we will always be on the defensive here.
And guys, your daughters and granddaughters deserve better, too.
Is this easy?
No. Will this take work? Yes.
Can we do this alone? Not really,
but each man will have to tend to his own row in the garden. I’d rather not make comments about a ‘trophy
wife’… I focus my time on a ‘trophy life’… one that is for the long-haul… one
that is defined by a Jesus’ life being the trophy and goal I seek… that my call
to faithfulness and the task of bringing others along with me is the purpose
for my being… and God’s grace alone will see me through this… That’s all King
David had and that’s all I’ve got, too. Our
mistakes do not define us. Our response
to those events, do. So, pray with me that Peter and Kate make a go of this new
marriage and the show doesn’t get cancelled due to an unanticipated divorce. After, all every couple who marries always
has ‘divorce’ as the last check mark of their ‘to do’ list, right?
And yet, God is faithful and keeps forging out in all of us, male and female,
young and old, rich and poor, a life of love and fidelity… to God, the world
and ourselves.
One man at a time; no man left behind,
Brian
PS. Here’s a
video clip from ... that will help... God's grace is all over the net!
